Machete Kills ***

Rodriguez’s most recent contribution to the Mexploitation subgenre, Machete Kills is exactly the movie one would expect it to be: a shallow, self-congratulatorily hip, and hyperviolent celebration of Mexican ethnic pride and muscle-flexing Reconquista. Danny Trejo reprises the role of the righteous butcher who in this sequel accepts a presidential offer of American citizenship in exchange for stopping a cataclysmic missile strike on Washington. Machete Kills is sufficiently fast-paced to ward off snores, but the cartoonish tone and the flippant approach to the violence keep it from generating any emotional interest or genuine suspense. One hopes for the sake of the future of film that this big-budget B-movie brand of Tarantinoid, winking, self-aware exploitation fetishism has almost run its course.

3 out of 5 stars. Ideological Content Analysis indicates that Machete Kills is:

13. State-skeptical. “Justice and law aren’t always the same thing.”

12. Anti-military. Corrupt soldiers sell government-issue arms to a drug cartel.

11. Anti-family. A whore recounts how her father raped her. (see also no. 2)

10. Drug-ambivalent. Machete “don’t smoke”, but lights a bazooka like a bong. The drug cartels are his enemies.

9. Pro-miscegenation. Can anyone blame Miss San Antonio (Amber Heard) for being unable to resist Machete’s haggard, wrinkly, and humorless Aztec charms?

8. Anti-gun. Machete prefers blades. A campaign commercial associates Second Amendment advocacy with pork spending on military hardware. The principal villain, Voz (Mel Gibson), is a firearms manufacturer.

7. Globalist and war-ambivalent. “This isn’t about Mexico no more. It’s about the world.” Voz reveals he has installed puppet troublemakers in North Korea and Russia so as to pump government interest in his military wares. While there is truth in the notion that international bogeys are frequently manufactured as pretexts for war, Machete Kills endorses the neocon worldview to the extent that it accepts that Russia and North Korea are legitimately threatening to American national security. “Fuck world peace,” says Miss San Antonio.

6. Feminist. “Don’t call me sweetheart,” bristles Sartana (Jessica Alba) before gunning down a male chauvinist pig. Machete Kills milks the tired non-novelty of women acting tough and shooting their mouths and machine-guns, which here include weapons mounted on the bosom and crotch. Interestingly, the long tradition of sexual violence directed exclusively at the male genitalia finally seems to be coming home to haunt the feminists in the form of the sickening “pussy punch”. Only girls are allowed to play this dirty hand, however. (see also no. 2)

5. Anti-Christian. Voz looks forward to a day when “kingdom comes”. White supremacist Sheriff Doakes uses expressions like “Amen” and “Hallelujah”. Assassin the Chameleon (a shapeshifter portrayed at different points in the film by Walter Goggins, Cuba Gooding, Lady Gaga, and Antonio Banderas) drives a truck called the “Holy Roller”, with kitschy religious knickknacks on the dashboard. “Preach it, Sister,” says villainess Miss San Antonio.

4. Anti-white. Whites – surprise, surprise! – are the bad guys. Those who, like Sheriff Joe Arpaio, concern themselves with America’s sovereignty and security, are represented in Machete Kills by the likes of the dopey Minutemen-like “Freedom Force” and Sheriff Doakes (William Sadler), who calls Mexicans things like “taco” and “beaner”. Voz plans to abscond into outer space with a load of Mexicans to serve him as slave labor. Blonde beauty and secret agent Miss San Antonio lives up to her hair color and turns out to be a traitoress. The decision to cast Mel Gibson, with his off-screen baggage of accusations of anti-Semitism and bigotry, as supervillain Voz reinforces the anti-white/anti-racist theme.

3. Pro-amnesty. Machete is Mexico, observes President Rathcock (Charlie Sheen), who by offering citizenship to Machete is in effect endorsing the wholesale naturalization of everybody south of the border. “Even Jesus couldn’t get through that damn wall.” Sadly, many of the ignorant dupes who see this movie will probably be led to believe that there actually is a wall protecting the U.S. from turd world invasion.

2. Anti-human. The title says it all, with enough red splattering to paint a barn. In addition, Miss San Antonio in her pageant speech endorses “a woman’s right to choose.”

1. Razist. “You fucked with the wrong Mexican.”

Barrio Tales ***

Nothing short of an incitation to racial hatred and genocide, the horror anthology Barrio Tales is a useful specimen of the burgeoning Mexploitation genre. The frame story has two foulmouthed but naive American punks venturing south of the border to buy some inexpensive drugs, where they meet a scary, scarred, and crooked-nosed lowlife (Alexander Aguila) who proceeds to tell them a trio of sordid and spicy campfire tales comprising the bulk of the film.

In the first story, newly arrived Mexican domestic servant Maria (Ana Corbi) is humiliated and victimized by a rich American college brat and his spoiled, decadent cronies. The second segment has David Fernandez playing a Hispanic variation on Clint Howard’s character in Ice Cream Man, with mobile taco chef Uncle Tio kicking it up a notch with his secret ingredients. Finally, a gaggle of wetbacks valiantly attempting to smuggle themselves into a better life in the United States are captured and tortured by rednecks until nationalistic Mexican gangsters ride to their aid like the ghetto version of the cavalry.

Imbued with genuine race-baiting venom, Barrio Tales is certain to entertain what would appear to be a target audience of alienated, Raza-minded Hispanics and America-loathing white liberal self-immolators. Fast-paced, passably humorous, and packed with gratuitous grossness, the film may also appeal to a broader horror audience willing to forgive or to take in stride the mean-spirited tone, taking the guano with the good.

3 out of 5 stars. Ideological Content Analysis indicates that Barrio Tales is:

12. Relativistic. “But who’s to say what a monster is? Maybe a monster to me is not a monster to you.”

11. Family-ambivalent. Mexicans come to family members’ aid, while whites, as exemplified by the rich absentee parents in the first story, would appear to be less motivated by family ties.

10. Feminist. A young girl (Elizabeth Small) bests the murderous Uncle Tio despite his telling her, “You can’t beat me. You’re just a stupid-ass little girl.”

9. Christ-ambivalent. Insane hicks pick out “Amazing Grace” on the banjo (and where banjos play there must be inbreeding!) between torture sessions, which would seem to cast their religion in an absurd light; but one of the heroic gangsters (Fabian Lopez) who stops them is, as a counterbalance, named Christian, the implication being that Mexicans are more authentically devout than whites.

8. Pro-miscegenation. Redneck bitch Didi (Jamie Wozny), like all white women, naturally lusts after men with brown skin and delights in tying up, straddling, and torturing a Mexican. “This is kinky,” she giggles when he resists. A black boy (Christopher Meyer) and a white girl (Elizabeth Small) are companions. There is also more than a hint of lust when Uncle Tio seizes and sniffs the latter in anticipation of doing her harm.

7. Drug-ambivalent. Hard drugs are depicted as harmful to the user, but a good way for Mexicans to make money off of stupid white people. Heroic gangsters Christian and P (Isait De La Fuente) are seen drinking from sneaky Petes.

6. Diversity-skeptical. The first and third stories in Barrio Tales are rabidly anti-white, peddling trite victimologies and Chicano moral superiority, while the second, at least at first glance, is something of an odd man out with its tale of a murderous Mexican taco cook. Even this entry, however, presents opportunities to make whites look dumb. Drug dealer Javi (Carlos Ramirez) boasts of duping white kids into paying exorbitant prices for his substandard product. The characterization of pothead Les (Hunter Cope, in the film’s most engaging performance) presents a surprisingly candid parody of the dumb white liberal. Even after it becomes obvious that Uncle Tio is a psychopath and a serial killer, Les clings tightly to his illusions, insisting, “He’s a kindhearted Mexican man who’s been serving this community for many years.” “I’m fuckin’ sick of people prejudging Uncle Tio before they give him a shot,” he says before himself being murdered by this “kindhearted” pillar of the “community”.

5. Anti-American. At the rednecks’ ranch, the American flag flies over a “No Trespassing” sign, representing the country in microcosm as a distrustful, ignorant, selfish, isolated backwater. More than one unlikable Caucasian character wears red, white, and blue (cf. no. 1).

4. Class-conscious. “They never had to work for anything their whole life. Everything is handed to them on a plate.” The raconteur of the wraparound story foretells that his guests will be chopped into tiny pieces and fed to homeless Mexicans. See also nos. 1 and 2, as all of the class conflict in the film is framed as poor, hardworking, innocent Mexicans vs. lazy, wealthy, and evil whites.

3. Alien-delugist. The film presents a sympathetic portrait of wetbacks and characterizes those who would secure the American border as uneducated sadists and bigots.

2. Anti-white. Whites, as depicted, are arrogant, stupid, rude, foulmouthed, murderous, and generally inhuman. Learning that there is a Mexican maid in the house, they are prone to call “dibs” on her, request “el blowjobo”, and say condescending things like, “Smokey el weedo?” “You sound like an idiot,” Jack (Glen Powell) says when he hears Spanish being spoken. Barrio Tales more than once suggests that whites quite literally desire to make Mexicans their slaves. In the first story, spoiled rich twit Trevor (Matt Shively) says of his servant, Maria, “I want to thank my parents for purchasing me this fuckin’ amazingly hot maid that I’m pretty sure I can do whatever I want with.” “I’m gone make you ma slave,” says Didi to her captive in the third story. The most exaggeratedly outrageous portraits of whites, however, are animalistic, growling El Monstruo (Scott Pollard) and his retarded son Reggie, whose one-strap overalls costume mimics archetypal caveman garb. “There’s no punishment that can do to you, you piece of white trash, that would even compare to what you’ve done to my people.”

1. Razist. “Don’t you know brown is the new red, white, and blue, puto?”

Spanglish ***

Part VI of The Filthy Films of Adam Sandler in Ideological Content Analysis: A Cranko-Politico-Critical Retrospective of the ICA Institute for Advanced Sandler Studies (A.S.S.)

Sandler gets to tackle a more serious role than usual, playing one of the relatively normal characters for a change in the blatant pro-immigration propaganda piece Spanglish, which, for the purposes of this review, shall go by its alternate title The Passion of the Wetback.  Sandler plays John Clasky, a gourmet chef and father whose wife Deborah (Tea Leoni) is such a spoiled, unbalanced, and self-absorbed shrew that she is apparently incapable of keeping her own home in order despite not having a job.  The only solution, of course, is for the Claskys to hire a hot illegal Mexican housekeeper, Flor (Paz Vega), to grace them with her wise Latina ways and teach them a moral truth or two like a wetback Mr. Belvedere.  Along for the ride to demonstrate the bright future made possible by America’s budding immigrant generations is Flor’s daughter Cristina (Shelbie Bruce), who is naturally prettier and more talented than Clasky’s pudgy daughter Bernice (Sarah Steele).

Sandler’s accessible humanity anchors what might otherwise have been an intolerable chick flick, with Tea Leoni creating a psycho mother to stand alongside Piper Laurie in Carrie and Faye Dunaway in Mommie Dearest, a creature so disgusting that one can hardly blame Mr. Clasky for being tempted by imported fruit.  Mrs. Clasky is the new American woman: hard, unfeminine, sexually neurotic, straining for beauty but making herself more unappealing in the process, and utterly overwhelmed by her uninteresting problems.  Her fatuous presumption, a product of privilege, finds humorous expression when she initially misunderstands her new housekeeper’s name to be “Floor – what I walk on, right?”  America, not Mexico, The Passion of the Wetback would inform viewers, is the hotbed of kidnapping, with Mrs. Clasky at one point taking off with Flor’s daughter without permission and leaving a note: “I decided to steal your daughter for a bit.”  Thankfully, Flor finds out and hits the roof, giving her boss a peppery piece of her wise Latina mind.  Mrs. Clasky is, however, gratified to hear from Cristina that she is “the most amazing white woman that I’ve ever met.”

Okay by lightweight chick flick standards, the film is still a sociological crime and a commercial for the Treason Lobby.  3 out of 5 stars.  Ideological Content Analysis indicates that The Passion of the Wetback is:

8. Animal rights militant.  A PETA sticker adorns the daughter’s bedroom door.

7. Anti-drug.  Clasky’s mother-in-law (Cloris Leachman) is an alcoholic.  Flor discourages Clasky from turning to drink to escape his problems.

6. Obesity-tolerant.  Women yearn for “the comfort of fullness.”  Mrs. Clasky insensitively buys her daugher clothes that are too small for her, expecting that Bernice should lose weight so that the items will fit; but Flor slyly alters the garments to boost the girl’s self-esteem.

5. Egalitarian and hostile to private property.  “I didn’t know God had a toy store for the rich,” Cristina says, expressing her shock at “natural beauty which is privately owned.”

4. Pro-castration.  Mr. Clasky, an exemplar of the sensitive, tolerant man, “seemed to have the emotions of a Mexican woman.”

3. Pro-miscegenation.  Naturally.

2. Anti-marriage/family-ambivalent.  Mr. Clasky is a model father, but his family is severly dysfunctional.  Mrs. Clasky is bitchy and unfaithful.  Flor’s husband left her.  Clasky’s mother-in-law endorses the superiority of Third World motherhood, however, when she tells Flor, “I live my life for myself.  You live yours for your daughter.”

1. Razist/alien-delugist.  A spicy slice of Hollywood psyops, The Passion of the Wetback frames the illegal immigration crisis as the disarmingly personal story of a beautiful, long-suffering woman and her precocious daughter searching for a better life and hoping to earn a share of the American dream with hard work and a little help from their friends – less threatening for the viewer, certainly, than a horde of hairy, mustachioed day laborers or criminal freeloaders bent on leaching off the state and keeping American unemployment high.  Illegal immigration, as The Passion of the Wetback illustrates, just means more sexy women, so what could possibly go wrong?

If anything, criminal aliens are probably a divine provision.  “Great God in Heaven, save me,” Clasky implores before turning around and seeing Flor for the first time.  She and her fellow invaders are America’s collective Savior.  The Passion of the Wetback does what it can to convince the audience that illegals want to become real, acculturated Americans by learning English and studying.  “That show you’re watchin’s gonna be a hit,” Clasky jokes, seeing Flor watching an English language video course.  Preferential treatment for illegal college applicants receives a boost when Cristina, Bernice’s academic superior, applies to Princeton University.  Bernice, in one of The Passion of the Wetback‘s most shameless moments, hugs Cristina and even says she hopes that some of her will rub off.