Yoga Hosers

Kevin Smith, confirming his place as one of the twenty-first century’s most daring movie makers, shoots where few have previously dared to film and mounts a shocking, full-frontal assault on the undying evil of Nazi ideology in the staggering opus Yoga Hosers. Either that, or the tiresome tub of ethnomasochistic nihilism pledges his fealty to his Jewish masters by gifting the planet with yet another boring hipster anti-racist time-waster. The has-been Clerks schmoteur casts his daughter, Harley Quinn Smith, along with Johnny Depp’s daughter, Lily-Rose Depp, as two Canadian high school girls who work as (what else?) clerks at a convenience store, the Eh 2 Zed. Their lives are a round of mundane teenage troubles until they arrange to party with a couple of Satanist schoolmates and their store is invaded by a little army of miniature Bratzis, sausage soldiers who all have Kevin Smith’s facial features. Charles Band must be kicking himself that he never came up with this one. Because the movie is set in Canada, too, every actor is obligated to say “boot” or “a boot” instead of “about”, and “oot” instead of “out”. This is about as sophisticated as the toilety humor gets. Smith, however, apparently finds himself fairly hilarious, and self-congratulatorily giggles over the closing credits, proud of having written such inspiring lines as, “I’m so sorry, ladies, but I seem to have dropped my book on your wiener.”

2 out of 5 stars. Ideological Content Analysis indicates that Yoga Hosers is:

5. Corporate, featuring ample product placement for Slim Jims and especially Beanitos.

4. Y-ambivalent and quasi-Luddite. The only halfway worthwhile social content in the film is the suggestion that Generation Y is a spoiled, self-pitying lot all suffering from smartphone dependency. The girls’ gym teacher, Ms. Wicklund (Genesis Rodriguez), calls them “Generation Y Me?” “You live on your phones,” she tells them. “You have no idea how to function like normal people in the real world.” “Our phones are who we are,” one of the pair frets when their phones are confiscated. Old-school technology like the microwave oven is, however, depicted as useful.

3. Anti-white, perpetuating the lie of white “privilege” and the stereotype of the dumb blonde. The girls’ black principal (Sasheer Zamata) objects to their entitled whining, mocking their “sad tale of heartwrenching woe” when they have to go for a day without their phones. “I mean, it could win an Oscar, really. You could write it up, sell it, and win an Oscar. Seriously, you could call it, um, 12 Years a Private School Student. See what I did there? I compared your privileged lives to slaves – and that’s weird. I’m black.” Then, when the girls laugh, she deadpans “That’s not funny” and tells them they’re “stupid”. Smith, like his fellow puddle of race-traitorous 90s residue Quentin Tarantino, adores the idea of aggressive blacks asserting themselves over helpless whites. “Principal Invincible” is right about one thing: “That’s not funny.” Nothing in Yoga Hosers is funny.

2. Feminist/Misandrist. The two girls manage to save the day by weaponizing their yoga skills. One of the girls is advised to carry a “date knife”, which comes in handy when her handsome, blond party date (Austin Butler) turns violent. The only good men in the movie are wimpy eccentrics like whimpering dad Bob Collette (Tony Hale); ugly doofus Guy Lapointe (Johnny Depp); and yoga instructor Yogi Bayer (Justin Long), whose “dinky” is now “vestigial”.

1. Jewish supremacist. The movie opens with a stupid rap metal song that kicks off with a few notes borrowed from “Hava Nagila” – Smith’s way of acknowledging who holds the purse strings in the movie industry. Producers on Yoga Hosers include a Greenblatt, a Kessler, a Rogin, a Reifenberg, and even a Monsanto – appropriate, given the junk food plugs. Ms. Maurice (Vanessa Paradis), the protagonists’ history teacher, gives them a boring lecture about “Fascism, genocide – the worst thing that has ever happened to mankind” – you know, just in case the audience has never heard of the “Holocaust”. She then proceeds to detail Canada’s history of evil anti-Semitism, including the Parti National Social Chrétien’s nasty plan to murder all of Canada’s poor, innocent Jews. Illustrating the lecture is a flashback sequence featuring Adrien Arcand (bloated former child actor Haley Joel Osment) “offering up anti-Semitic rabble about deporting Canadian Jews to the Hudson Bay” and then sinking their boats with cannons. (Smith clearly did his research … into the effects of Jewish money, senility, and LSD on filmmaking.) Dastardly Nazi revivalist Andronicus Arcane (Ralph Garman) finally unleashes the Hitlerites’ ultimate weapon in the present day: a monstrous “goalie golem”, which has to be the most insipid instance of Jew-projection ever committed to film. Garman is one of Smith’s “SModcast” collaborators, with the Urban Dictionary defining “SMod” as “Any vulgar conversation containing dick and fart jokes or commentary referring repeatedly to Jewish suffering during the holocaust while occasionally dropping some insight into the personal lives of either Kevin Smith or Scott Mosier and/or their friends and family […]”


Rainer Chlodwig von K.