Archives for posts with tag: cougar

dog

Directed by professional dork Charles Martin Smith (I’ll be goddamned if it hasn’t all been downhill for him artistically since 1986’s heavy metal horror triumph Trick or Treat), A Dog’s Way Home is, as its title would indicate, the epic story of a lovable lost pooch, Bella (voiced by actress Bryce Dallas Howard), trying to find her way home to her beloved master, Lucas (Jonah Hauer-King) – although, probably as a concession to brittle sensibilities, he is never referenced in the screenplay as Bella’s master, but only as her person. At first glance, this might only appear to be a canine’s seemingly harmless adventures through town, country, and rugged Colorado wilderness; but closer inspection reveals this effective children’s tearjerker to basically be Globohomo: The Movie.

3.5 out of 5 stars. Ideological Content Analysis indicates that A Dog’s Way Home is:

7. Antiwar. Physical and psychological costs of war are embodied by homeless veteran Axel (Edward James Olmos) as well as attendees of a veterans’ therapy group that includes Lucas’s mother (Ashley Judd), who suffers from depression and finds consolation in Bella’s company.

6. Pro-gay. Bella stays for a while with two gays (Motell Foster and Barry Watson), one black and one white, who serve as poster boys for homosexual parenting, the care they provide to Bella and another dog contrasting instructively with the callousness of grumpy heterosexual Mr. Kurch (Chris Bauer). “That man belongs alone,” Bella observes.

5. Pro-miscegenation. Lucas enjoys a relationship with more-or-less white-presenting mixed-race woman Olivia (Alexandra Shipp).

4. Woke and anti-white. Mean white guys include the aforementioned Mr. Kurch; unscrupulous, animal-hating landlord Gunter Beckenbauer (Brian Markinson); and nerdy, ineffectual dog catcher Chuck (John Cassini). Olivia and Lucas’s mother provide girls with role models as strong, assertive womyn effecting social justice by standing up to insensitive white men – in Olivia’s case, by livestreaming a scene of injustice.

3. Multicultural. Bella was raised by a cat and later adopts a young cougar as her traveling companion, demonstrating how characters from different backgrounds can live peacefully with each other and learn to work together.

2. Anti-gun. Bella witnesses hunters killing a cougar, leaving its cub a defenseless orphan.

1.Pro-immigration. A Dog’s Way Home arrives just in time for the muh-poor-brown-kids-in-concentration-camp-cages melodrama. A Denver city ordinance makes Bella’s breed illegal, so that “a dog can be banned from the city because of how it looks”, to which Olivia objects: “That’s basically racism for dogs!” It is easy, therefore, to find in the movie’s depiction of Animal Control officers stand-ins for totalitarian ICE agents out to net Mexican or Guatemalan kids, lock them up, and make them cry just for the hell of it. Fortunately, Animal Control is unable to enforce local law when Bella finds sanctuary at a veterans’ hospital, which, it is argued, constitutes federal jurisdiction. Sheriff Arpaio BTFO happily ever after. Rather revealingly – but no doubt unintentionally – A Dog’s Way Home also illustrates what illegals ultimately represent to virtue-signaling white progressives – their cute little pets.

Rainer Chlodwig von K.

Rainer is the author of the books Drugs, Jungles, and Jingoism and Protocols of the Elders of Zanuck: Psychological Warfare and Filth at the Movies.

David DeCoteau, along with Fred Olen Ray and Jim Wynorski, was one of the more heroic and endearing directors to emerge in the era of VHS.  He is especially noteworthy to horror fans of a nostalgic bent for having made two low-budget wonders, Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama and Nightmare Sisters, which brought together Michelle Bauer, Linnea Quigley, and Brinke Stevens, the three premier scream queens of the period.  Now, in 1313: Cougar Cult, the four great screen queens – Bauer, Quigley, Stevens, and DeCoteau – are reunited for one more roll in the trash, this one about a trio of supernatural pagan sisters who turn into cougars – literally! – and devour the young men they succeed in luring into their tackily decorated Malibu mansion.

Photogenic Ryan Curry, Bryce Durfee, and Jack Kubacki star as college students who show up (and end up showing a lot) to take jobs as the cougars’ houseboys.  There is something resembling a plot in 1313: Cougar Cult – something about ritual sacrifices to please an ancient Amazonian deity – but the film is really just an exercise in bisexually friendly cheesecake, with Bauer, Quigley, and Stevens slinking around and acting horny, and lots of long, lingering shots of young actors washing their sculpted torsos or sensually writhing in sleep.  Harboring no illusions about what it is, the film is at times playfully self-deprecating – and even annoyingly so when the sisters’ transformation into their carnivore forms is depicted by the cartoonish superimposition of cougar heads over the actresses’ faces.

1313: Cougar Cult will appeal primarily to two mostly separate groups: those who enjoy ogling half-naked young men and those who fondly remember the scream queens’ work in the low-budget video gems of the 80s and early 90s.  It will, unfortunately, frustrate many in this latter group because 1313: Cougar Cult is ultimately little more than a gigantic tease.  For having a premise built on three evil middle-aged women’s insatiable lust, the film is remarkably tame and devoid of explicit heterosexual action.  Bauer, Quigley, and Stevens are very sexy women, their vintage notwithstanding; and while, having reached a certain stage in their careers, they may be understandably reluctant to undress or engage in simulated sex onscreen (note: do yourselves a favor and see Assault of the Party Nerds), the fact that nothing of the sort appears in 1313: Cougar Cult is still a pretty grievous disappointment.  What but sadism, for instance, could motivate a film in which Brinke Stevens informs a young stud he will have the pleasure of oiling and massaging her – and the viewer never even gets to see it?

Most puzzling of all, perhaps, is that whole decades had to pass before the three venerable cuties could be brought back together.  That occasion, sadly, contents itself with being coquettish and uber-campy rather than satisfyingly sleazy or even vaguely horrific; but no Amazonian deity dictates that the actresses’ collaborations have to stop with this one.  They will, if the gods of video nerd garbage are benevolent, be making more films as a trio in the not-too-distant future.  Meanwhile, fans must content themselves with the picturesquely animal lust on Stevens and Bauer’s faces in this film as they softly paw Bryce Durfee’s body – that and the gratifying moment when Quigley, speaking in a ludicrously demonic voice, commands the audience, “Come to Mama.”

3 of 5 possible stars – one apiece for each of these enticingly mature scream queens.

Ideological Content Analysis indicates that 1313: Cougar Cult is:

5. Anti-state.  The cougars pay their manservants cash, seeing no reason to involve the government in their private transactions.

4. Drug-ambivalent.  Smoking – smoking cigarettes, that is – is bad for your health.

3. Innocently class-conscious.  The decadent rich prey upon the weak, sexually and as cannibals.

2. Feminist.  Women give the orders.

1. Hedonistic.  The human body is beautiful and a source of fun.  The fun, furthermore, should be prolonged for as long as humanly or cougarly possible.

Babyface (1977) ****1/2  Dan (Dan Roberts) is a man on the run after an uptight, psychotic mother (Thundercrack‘s Marion Eaton) catches him with her not-so-innocent pigtailed jailbait daughter Priscilla (Cuddles Malone), so, lucky lug that he is, he gets a gig as a stud at a kinky, upscale bordello for perverted women. Writer John Mulligan’s story is a lot of fun, and director Alex de Renzy shows himself quite the adept at orchestrating sexual mayhem.  By the time Babyface is finished the viewer has been treated to slapping, cougarism, whipping, anal, group sport, plastic wrap mummification, and attempted emasculation, all of which is delivered in a friendly, humorous, lighthearted style. Most important, however, is that all of the participants are clearly enjoying themselves. Oddly, this is the only film listed for both Roberts and Malone at IMDb. Each has a memorable screen presence and, as Babyface demonstrates, had the potential for stardom within the adult genre.

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