America’s worst president gets the superhero treatment in Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. Actually dumber than I thought it would be, this reeking hunk of historical brain damage comes packed with boring characters, endless speed-up/slow-down bloodletting, and enough sanctimonious posturing to stock White House larders until John Brown’s apocalyptic resurrection. A description of one moment from the film should suffice to indicate its level of stupidity. In one scene, stampeding horses come thundering out of nowhere, and a vampire picks up one of the horses (!) and throws it on top of Lincoln, who gets up unhurt (!) and jumps from horse to horse like an acrobat. Utterly condescending trash. 2 stars that belong behind bars.
Ideological Content Analysis indicates that Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter is:
6. Pro-drug. Lincoln’s vampire hunter mentor takes a toke from a hookah, which is probably an indicator of this film’s intellectual genesis.
5. Feminist. Even Mary Todd gets to play rough at the end.
4. Egalitarian. Lincoln calls for silver tableware to be sacrificed to forge vampire-annihilating, racism-destroying weapons.
3. Pro-miscegenation, with slavemasters’ intense desire for black flesh sublimated into hissing vampiric bloodlust.
2. Anti-South. This film actually manages literally to dehumanize
southerners, who, as it turns out, comprise a vast empire of the vampires. Not only slavemasters, but whole Confederate armies, apparently, are inhuman.
1. Anti-slavery (i.e., pro-yawn)